It's been a tough few weeks

Well, it's been a tough few weeks...sleepless nights, weird disconnections, and new experiences here are just a few of my thoughts to catch you up! I'm having a night of fear based illusion, I ask myself why? Is it just anxiety or is it the reality that in my brain there lives demons who rear their heads in the witching hours with intent to taunt my soul?  Regardless, for me they exist...tomorrow I go to meet with my new vocational counselor is this the spark that ignites the deities of shadow waiting to release the hex upon my weary brain or embark on a battle with my soul...you will not win for me and the hot chocolate goddess will slay you with my intent rest no matter how persistent you are my resilience for peace at my core will prevail! The ever present Suzzie on he couch next to me waiting for me to rise so that the comfort of warm blankets can greet us once more, my wife sleeping but, I'm sure dreaming thoughts of safety for my return to slumber to come, she says I'm adaptable to what comes my way, I feel this is my illusion, the I'm ok, the face of fearlessness when deep inside I want to scream WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! There is no answer to that question the answer lyes only within my soul, my higher power keeping watch over my world of sane instances which create chaos with the demons of my soul. It's 3:32 AM no different than most nights you enter my plane of so called sleep were you wake me with echoes of pain, with shame and the rage.  I can't breathe, I'm fighting but,  being held down pillow over my head, I can hear people laughing and enjoying themselves feet away and I'm terrified and unable to get away from him!  Its dark in my house, I get my dog, my gun and my courage to rise from my bed to walk the halls of my home to see if your here, what if this is real, what if this time you really are here.  Would it be the end of my nightmare or would a new one begin with a pull of the trigger!  My heart is racing, I'm sweating and scared I hope you're not here. I hope this isn't real, not today!