Good times

It's been a moment since I've posted anything but, what the hey here we go! Life is going well, finished an intensive therapy a few months ago in Santa Barbara. It was specific to survivors of MST and was really life changing for me, my symptoms have been reduced in intensity making life a bit more manageable.  We did art therapy, equine and EMDR but, most interesting we didn't focus on trauma. I've never known not soaking on the subject to get better but, it helped. Not that we didn't talk about it, it was primarily on the surface.
Suzzie was great she became the therapy dog for everyone always checking in and making sure we were all doing ok. It's funny, to watch the intuitiveness makes me feel so special to have this wonderful creature watching over me. One of the women that was at the treatment was so inspired went and started the process of getting matched with a service dog of her own.
So, life is good it makes me happy to feel somewhat complete in the world today! We'll see what tomorrow brings :)

2 in the morning

Well, been a minute since I checked in (Suzzie is confirming that maybe a dog minute)! Things have been a bit crazy...leashes, depression, family, depression, leashes did I mention depression? I always want to give it a name like pecker-head or something but, that's almost too nice! Instead I just research ways to be appropriate in the world and not sling myself in the floor like a two year old while in public! The film is just trotting along which makes me happy...I WANT ACTION DAMMIT! I really don't have much to share that makes sense right now...I just anted to speak to the virtual reality of the world that reminds me I'm still here and that I'm a worthy component in the world.

Let's see...

Well, been a minute since I checked in (Suzzie is confirming that maybe a dog minute)! Things have been a bit crazy...leashes, depression, family, depression, leashes did I mention depression? I always want to give it a name like pecker-head or something but, that's almost too nice! Instead I just research ways to be appropriate in the world and not sling myself in the floor like a two year old while in public! The film is just trotting along which makes me happy...I WANT ACTION DAMMIT! I really don't have much to share that makes sense right now...I just anted to speak to the virtual reality of the world that reminds me I'm still here and that I'm a worthy component in the world.

Military Sexual Trauma

Military Sexual Trauma

Heavy Sigh

So, today has been a pretty good day... Been taking of my knee and cuddling with the Suzzie most of the day. Hopefully tonight will be a better night for sleep. I just wanted to check in and say today is a manageable day.

It's been a tough few weeks

Well, it's been a tough few weeks...sleepless nights, weird disconnections, and new experiences here are just a few of my thoughts to catch you up! I'm having a night of fear based illusion, I ask myself why? Is it just anxiety or is it the reality that in my brain there lives demons who rear their heads in the witching hours with intent to taunt my soul?  Regardless, for me they exist...tomorrow I go to meet with my new vocational counselor is this the spark that ignites the deities of shadow waiting to release the hex upon my weary brain or embark on a battle with my soul...you will not win for me and the hot chocolate goddess will slay you with my intent rest no matter how persistent you are my resilience for peace at my core will prevail! The ever present Suzzie on he couch next to me waiting for me to rise so that the comfort of warm blankets can greet us once more, my wife sleeping but, I'm sure dreaming thoughts of safety for my return to slumber to come, she says I'm adaptable to what comes my way, I feel this is my illusion, the I'm ok, the face of fearlessness when deep inside I want to scream WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! There is no answer to that question the answer lyes only within my soul, my higher power keeping watch over my world of sane instances which create chaos with the demons of my soul. It's 3:32 AM no different than most nights you enter my plane of so called sleep were you wake me with echoes of pain, with shame and the rage.  I can't breathe, I'm fighting but,  being held down pillow over my head, I can hear people laughing and enjoying themselves feet away and I'm terrified and unable to get away from him!  Its dark in my house, I get my dog, my gun and my courage to rise from my bed to walk the halls of my home to see if your here, what if this is real, what if this time you really are here.  Would it be the end of my nightmare or would a new one begin with a pull of the trigger!  My heart is racing, I'm sweating and scared I hope you're not here. I hope this isn't real, not today!

Tonight

Tonight I sit here and feel overwhelmed with he idea that I am a part of unit in which I've longed for -for decades! Today I do not feel like I am in the shadows of the World but, embraced by strangers who understand my fight for survival, for that I am grateful. To my friends and newfound family I am here until the end, I stand beside you, behind  you and will lead you if that's what's needed my only request is that never again we fade into the shadows! Peace and such...till next time!